R43 - We were born to break the doors down

[with_my_teacup]

I have plenty to hide, most of you know that. I hide it in plain sight, some of you know that.

You can ask whatever; I'm game.

Comments

[private]

[with_my_teacup]

The kitchen's good for violent assholes. Long history of it helping people who'd rather be fighting-- even before they put me on shift. It was the best way I knew to help you, giving you some control over something as important as food.

[private]

[exnihilo]

I think probably I was hungry as a child. At least sometimes.

[Since she knows she was alone. But she doesn't remember it. She remembers champagne and wretched excess and spicing hot pie. She remembers being sick at the extravangance, craving bread and water.

She always though her disdain came from jadedness, from over-pampered ennui. Maybe not.]

But it's all guesswork. I don't know if that...counts.

[She doesn't know if anything about that girl counts. That girl died.]

[private]

[with_my_teacup]

For me it was equal parts having access to food and having something to control. A position of strength.

Do you feel any safer than when you first got here?

[private]

[exnihilo]

I - no. Yes. I don't think -

I feel threatened by different things.

Re: [private]

[with_my_teacup]

Extremely reasonable reaction.

Can I help.

[private]

[exnihilo]

I don't think so.

[He has made her happier, has made her calmer in anger and hurt. But he has not made her less afraid. She is afraid of her own flimsiness, that she will fade away here and dissipate like sea foam with no masters to shape her.]

What makes you who you are?

[private]

[with_my_teacup]

More genetics than I thought, but mostly my experience. The constant ingrained message that life's a battle.

[private]

[exnihilo]

[She bites her lip, shakes her head. How to say it.]

I meant...what constitutes you. What parts of you.

[Technically this is not a question. It is a statement about her previous question, and how it was phrased poorly. What is essential to being a person.]

[private]

[with_my_teacup]

I don't know. My instincts still. They shape how I act, memory or no memory. They're the base of me.