with_my_teacup | R43 - We were born to break the doors down

R43 - We were born to break the doors down

I have plenty to hide, most of you know that. I hide it in plain sight, some of you know that.

You can ask whatever; I'm game.

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[And the hungry, jealous, clawed thing inside her chest curls up and bides, content awhile.]

I will.

[She thinks she wouldn't even mind sharing first with him, though it's hard to be sure unless someone asks. He's Ben.]

Come in. It's still keyed to you.

[He's rearranged, been replacing the furniture Mira totaled bit by bit. He's almost up to the full compliment again, electric kettle sitting on a new table--kettle on, dog under.

He's got two cups. Tea for him, powdered coffee sweet enough to kill and thick enough to tar roofs with for Arthas.]

It's not inevitable anymore. Still possible. You seem to understand Arthas a little better, at least.

Are you still upset about me going into shutdown back in December?

For me it was equal parts having access to food and having something to control. A position of strength.

Do you feel any safer than when you first got here?

[She shakes her head.]

No. I was scared more than I was mad, even then.

[Some anger. But -]

You still - saw me, even when you were out of it. And you came back. That's what matters to me.

I was worried you might trust me less.

I'm never going to forgive her. You can if you want. Not me.

Edited 2014-03-31 19:31 (UTC)

I - no. Yes. I don't think -

I feel threatened by different things.

Extremely reasonable reaction.

Can I help.

You came back. I trust you more.

[She sniffles just a little. Because it's true and it hurts and it's good.]

I want to. I think how much I actually do is always going to depend on the day. I forgive her enough to want to save her, but I don't know when I'm going to be able to go through with it.

[She understands, though. She feels that way about people who've hurt Ben, or Cassel. An imperturbable edifice of hostility, long after they'd forgiven their transgressors.]

But I feel better knowing you won't.

[Knowing someone cares that way, will carry the weight of the grudge she earned with years of struggling when it's too heavy for her to hold onto it. She can forgive and not forgive at the same time.]

I don't think so.

[He has made her happier, has made her calmer in anger and hurt. But he has not made her less afraid. She is afraid of her own flimsiness, that she will fade away here and dissipate like sea foam with no masters to shape her.]

What makes you who you are?

[He always knocks anyway; it's a gesture of equality and therefore respect.

He notices the changes right away, figures he'll ask a little later. If it's important it will come up either way.

Arthas doesn't say anything, just goes up to put his head on Riddick's shoulder. It's been a shitty day.]

My baby.

I wish we'd met when we were both younger. But if you hadn't gone through the figurative and literal fire...you wouldn't be you. I'd have killed to make sure you had what you needed. Touch; affection; food. I'd have tried to make you turn out a lot less like me.

[I'd have killed. The part of her that was safe and saved while Magneto destroyed Vinnitsya still wants that, still loves that. The part of her that was crushed by what he became is wary of it. But she'd kill for him too. So that's alright.]

I like being who I am, on balance. And I have what I need now.

[Riddick hunts around for a patch of shoulder with no plate on it, and settles for rubbing the chain mail.]

I know how much you owe her. I know you need to help her. I hate her so much.

[He sighs. He knows he hasn't been helping.]

[Arthas obligingly reaches to unbuckle the pointier of his shoulderpads. It gets in the way anyway.]

She wants me to hate her. I can't. She reminds me too much of myself.

Are you happy?

No, not on average. There are happy times but mostly it's stress. I'm satisfied, though; I've got my infrastructure set up, I have reasonable control over the situation.

When are you going home?

...I don't know. I'm sort of. Stuck.

What would it take for you to be happy?

I'd need to be able to leave here for good. I'm probably not going to be actively happy as long as I'm somewhere this dangerous. I'm okay. Just not happy.

More genetics than I thought, but mostly my experience. The constant ingrained message that life's a battle.

That's all right then.

You love me?

[Shoulder-rub, shoulder-rub, sigh, shoulder-rub.] You've been in the same pit of stupid. She's not trying to climb out, though.

Good. I like you a lot, you know; I like us on the same side.

I've been trying, with Arthas. And being with you's changed 'is outlook. I don't want to roll me eyes at 'im nearly so much.

Anything you want to ask me?

I'm sorry.

Is there any way I can make it a little easier?

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R43 - We were born to break the doors down

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